Thursday, January 12

The post with no name....

December 11th is the date of the last post here on The Tao.
I'd since started another post that never got published,
never got finished actually.
And this post - Well,
I'd uploaded the photos on January 4th
and just never got around to getting all those thoughts down
at that time.

So here I sit.  Waiting for a doctor's appointment,
with some not-so-spare time,
but a good time, nonetheless, to get on here
and get this rolling.....

I was just talking with my mother in law yesterday,
who has been here in AZ visiting since Dec 10th or thereabouts.
She had remarked how it was hard to believe that 1 month has passed.
And I was thinking about how much has happened within that one month.

Holy Effing Shit.  A. LOT.

So - on to the pics that I uploaded,
and then I will download some the end of the post.

So here is a family photo,
which I love.
Will always remind me of the unbelievably gorgeous weather
we enjoyed Christmas of 2011.
Onto an amazing project Leslie and I worked on when we got together
for New Years.
And might I just add that getting together with a best friend
on New Years really gets you pumped for what the new year will bring.
Anyhoo - the project.
We made Inspiration boards - cut outs from magazines that defined us
and what we wanted out of the year.  It was fun to do, but
even better that I get to glance at that every single morning
and remind myself to focus on what is right in front of me....literally.
Love this!  And of course I love Leslie!

Next up for us was a quick little trip to Sedona.
Nothing quite like connecting with a landscape so indescribable to 
aid in forgetting about any negativity in your life, school, work,
homework, swimming, driving, flying.....all those things that occupy
us, but define us as who we are in our normalcy.

And then "Monday" rolls around.
That back to school,
back to work,
back to laundry,
back to cleaning,
back to reality - day.

It's all good though.
Every bit of it.

So much so for me now.
For all that has happened in the past month
has changed me.
So Bill's friend and business mentor Tommy died.
Just like that.

Mid December brought so much excitement because Bill was going to finally be
finished with 6 weeks of traveling for work.  My mother-in-law was coming here
to spend the holidays.  The kids would be out for winter break, and we were gearing
up to spend Christmas in Disneyland with the Marshall family.

A day after Bill came home from San Francisco he got a call from Tommy's
business partner, that Tommy was in the hospital near the end....
So Bill went on his way to NYC - Sloan Kettering Hospital
to visit his best friend who had stage 4 lung cancer.
And I stayed home.  Which killed me.
It killed me because I knew this would have been my one and only
opportunity to talk to Tommy.  To tell him thank you for everything he'd brought to our life.
The love.  The support.  The friendship (best friendship with my husband).
The laughs.  The kindness.  The years.  Many many years.
Just always being there, sometimes what seemed, just in the background.
One of the few people who whenever, where ever -
had our back.  He was always, just THERE.

But Bill came home hopeful that Tommy would kick this.
Through writing and gestures Tommy "told" Bill he would be coming out
here to AZ.....soon.  And Bill hoped.  And I hoped.

We cancelled Disneyland.
We scrambled to bring Christmas to the kids at home, regardless of what was
going on.  And amidst trying to be happy and hopeful, Tommy's life
ended on December 23rd.

With the arrangements set for the week end before New Years,
Bill once again headed back out to the east coast.
And I did not.  Could not.  I needed to take care of the kids,
as before.  But while Bill was gone
I changed.

What is that saying?  "Life sucks, then you die."
God, how many minutes have I spent creating some sort of "Life Sucks"
for myself.  Letting shit get to me.  Letting people get to me.
Wasting time worrying about

Seriously.  Life can and does end in an instant, sometimes.
Why am I not living my life
better or differently
knowing so?

So I vowed - to Tommy,
to change that.
In his honor.
To live my life,
for Bill and I to live OUR lives,
the way he lived his.
The way he showed us.

So if I could,
I would still want to thank him for all that he'd ever done for us,
but thank him too,
for changing our lives - our future.
Our outlook.
Our motivation.

I am on a roll.
And it feels really good.
2012 is going to be amazing.
And I am grateful and thankful for every moment
I am able to watch Bill fill the void in his life now,
with a new outlook on life.

Because we now know - life can be gone in less than two weeks....

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