Monday, January 30

I knew there was a reason

that Connor was NOT giving me a hard time about listening
to my new BeeGees CD that I have in the truck.

I just knew it.
It goes back. 
Way back.

See what I mean?

Tuesday, January 24

in your skin

so the question is:
Are you content in your skin?

Part of this New Year for me
was making sure that was indeed true.
No more wasting time.
Going after what I want out of life.
Get out of my way.

And as the reality of our friend Tommy's death
slithers into the routineness of our daily lives
the words to Lifehouse's song
aptly titled "In Your Skin"
bring me back to thinking about him.

Throw stones, breaking bones
Then wonder why you run for cover
You fight the world from inside

Lay down, playing dead
Turn the pages, just another
Wasted day in your mind

You live to run away
But fear's the hardest act to follow
Let me let you in

Hold on another day
Face the truth, it's hard to swallow
It's time to begin
There's only one life
In your skin

Wake up, take a breath
Remember why you're even breathing
You're still alive

Give in, give it up
You're the only one believing
In all of your lies

You live to run away
But fear's the hardest act to follow
Let me let you in

Hold on another day
Face the truth, it's hard to swallow
It's time to begin
There's only one life
In your skin, in your skin

You live to run away
But fear's the hardest act to follow
Let me let you in

Hold on another day
Face the truth, it's hard to swallow
It's time to begin
There's only one life
In your skin, in your skin

There IS only one life in your skin. 
Are you doing all you can? 
YOU can be gone in an instant.

And man, I want to leave my mark.

Monday, January 23

it is just staggering

the possibilities endless,
 of what Connor can do when he grows up.

I just sit back in amazement of all that he is becoming
as he gets older.
Becomes a young teen.

I just don't know how he,
on a daily basis,
surprises me with his clear thinking.
His logic.

For example:
I couldn't have been more proud of him
when he came home from a birthday party
for a good friend of his at school.

Because really...........
who else can say their son did this??:
Wore Shorts to a Paintball Party

Only me, I am sure.
Go jealous!

Thursday, January 19

"you can leave now"

pretty much the exact words Garrin used last night,
to Bill and me,
after he was all set up in the office doing his homework.

Not sure where he picked up such an attitude....

Friday, January 13

take a look at this...

and then answer the question below.

Would you agree that taking just one look at this kid
makes you want to give him anything his little heart desires?

Yes.  I am a pushover and am feeding into his Lego Obsession.
I cannot stop.
I mean, just look at that face.

'Nuff said.

Thursday, January 12

The post with no name....

December 11th is the date of the last post here on The Tao.
I'd since started another post that never got published,
never got finished actually.
And this post - Well,
I'd uploaded the photos on January 4th
and just never got around to getting all those thoughts down
at that time.

So here I sit.  Waiting for a doctor's appointment,
with some not-so-spare time,
but a good time, nonetheless, to get on here
and get this rolling.....

I was just talking with my mother in law yesterday,
who has been here in AZ visiting since Dec 10th or thereabouts.
She had remarked how it was hard to believe that 1 month has passed.
And I was thinking about how much has happened within that one month.

Holy Effing Shit.  A. LOT.

So - on to the pics that I uploaded,
and then I will download some the end of the post.

So here is a family photo,
which I love.
Will always remind me of the unbelievably gorgeous weather
we enjoyed Christmas of 2011.
Onto an amazing project Leslie and I worked on when we got together
for New Years.
And might I just add that getting together with a best friend
on New Years really gets you pumped for what the new year will bring.
Anyhoo - the project.
We made Inspiration boards - cut outs from magazines that defined us
and what we wanted out of the year.  It was fun to do, but
even better that I get to glance at that every single morning
and remind myself to focus on what is right in front of me....literally.
Love this!  And of course I love Leslie!

Next up for us was a quick little trip to Sedona.
Nothing quite like connecting with a landscape so indescribable to 
aid in forgetting about any negativity in your life, school, work,
homework, swimming, driving, flying.....all those things that occupy
us, but define us as who we are in our normalcy.

And then "Monday" rolls around.
That back to school,
back to work,
back to laundry,
back to cleaning,
back to reality - day.

It's all good though.
Every bit of it.

So much so for me now.
For all that has happened in the past month
has changed me.
So Bill's friend and business mentor Tommy died.
Just like that.

Mid December brought so much excitement because Bill was going to finally be
finished with 6 weeks of traveling for work.  My mother-in-law was coming here
to spend the holidays.  The kids would be out for winter break, and we were gearing
up to spend Christmas in Disneyland with the Marshall family.

A day after Bill came home from San Francisco he got a call from Tommy's
business partner, that Tommy was in the hospital near the end....
So Bill went on his way to NYC - Sloan Kettering Hospital
to visit his best friend who had stage 4 lung cancer.
And I stayed home.  Which killed me.
It killed me because I knew this would have been my one and only
opportunity to talk to Tommy.  To tell him thank you for everything he'd brought to our life.
The love.  The support.  The friendship (best friendship with my husband).
The laughs.  The kindness.  The years.  Many many years.
Just always being there, sometimes what seemed, just in the background.
One of the few people who whenever, where ever -
had our back.  He was always, just THERE.

But Bill came home hopeful that Tommy would kick this.
Through writing and gestures Tommy "told" Bill he would be coming out
here to AZ.....soon.  And Bill hoped.  And I hoped.

We cancelled Disneyland.
We scrambled to bring Christmas to the kids at home, regardless of what was
going on.  And amidst trying to be happy and hopeful, Tommy's life
ended on December 23rd.

With the arrangements set for the week end before New Years,
Bill once again headed back out to the east coast.
And I did not.  Could not.  I needed to take care of the kids,
as before.  But while Bill was gone
I changed.

What is that saying?  "Life sucks, then you die."
God, how many minutes have I spent creating some sort of "Life Sucks"
for myself.  Letting shit get to me.  Letting people get to me.
Wasting time worrying about

Seriously.  Life can and does end in an instant, sometimes.
Why am I not living my life
better or differently
knowing so?

So I vowed - to Tommy,
to change that.
In his honor.
To live my life,
for Bill and I to live OUR lives,
the way he lived his.
The way he showed us.

So if I could,
I would still want to thank him for all that he'd ever done for us,
but thank him too,
for changing our lives - our future.
Our outlook.
Our motivation.

I am on a roll.
And it feels really good.
2012 is going to be amazing.
And I am grateful and thankful for every moment
I am able to watch Bill fill the void in his life now,
with a new outlook on life.

Because we now know - life can be gone in less than two weeks....