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Wednesday, October 20

Failures, Mistakes, and Reality

It's 6:30 in the morning.
I've been up since 4:30.  Bill's left for a business trip to California,
I did a quick re-design of my blog and this blog post is swirling around in my head.
I've put off writing this one.
For lack of time, I've thought.
For not knowing how to put it all down in writing.
So here I am.
One half hour til the kids get up for school.
I'm giving myself one half hour
to get this done.

So failures.
I don't necessarily know if I have easily admitted to myself that
decisions I have made have turned into failures.  I've always looked at stuff
like that as - "experiences".  Things that happen to make you a better person,
and things you learn from.

Mistakes seems like a real harsh word too.  I'm talking life changing mistakes.
Not little bitty ones.  Ones everyone makes.
Normal mistakes.
Reasonable mistakes.
Spilt-milk mistakes.

One year and one month ago, my life became...not my life.
It was fucked up.  Marital issues.
Because of that, changes had to be made in order to save Me,
Bill, and Us.  Changes I thought necessary to not throw away 18 years of
marriage.  That meant leaving a place I'd considered home for the last 9 years.
And move back to family.  A place I'd considered home, my whole life
prior.  So we did.

And things got better.
With Us.
It was not easy.
I look back and sometimes things look kinda blurry.
The last 10 months or so.

Blurry is not good, you see.
Blurry hazes your decision making abilities.
So while we were working on Us,
I was working on Me.
What was going to make Me happy?

Designs on Main?
New very old house?
Things I loved when I was Me here the first time.
It's me after all, right?  How easy could that make things?
Go back to being Gini that lived here before.
Lived in an awesome old house, owned a flower shop.

My failure is just that though.  Trying to be someone I no longer was
in my search for happiness.  My mistake is not being honest.
Not being real with what I wanted.
But let's not forget the blurry part.  How was I to know?

Until Bill and I had a conversation one day.
One we'd both had in the back of our mind for some time.
A conversation we thought was wrong.
Thoughts of how to proceed FORWARD with our life,
while working on our marriage.
I started that conversation while we were driving home.
Home to a house that I told him that 'I didn't want him to think I loved,
more than I really did deep down......'
A home that I really didn't want to go to.  One that I didn't really feel "at home" in.

And we talked
and talked and talked.
We talked about moving.

I told him about the terrible feeling I had about making bad decisions.
About the fact that my heart was not in Designs on Main.
That I really didn't have the energy or the desire to fix up an old home.
I told him I really wanted to have a life like what we had before
our marriage took a hit.

A life full of LIFE.
I want to be in the warm air.
Near the mountains.
The open space.
Have friends, and take pictures, and get involved
with things I love.  My kids schools, swimming, soccer,...
everything I've backed away from since moving back here.

Here is the reality.
The reality is -
I would not have done ANYTHING different.
The last ten months have brought me back to family.
At a time that it was imperative that I have support.
I do not regret being here AT all.
I have had an opportunity to take a step back from my life..
my sometimes chaotic life...
re-group
re-focus

so things aren't so blurry anymore.

Now that I am better, I am going to find clarity in my life in Arizona.

more tomorrow...my time is up here

4 comments:

SwimMomTrishA said...

breathe deep my friend. . .that must have felt good !!!

Sharon said...

WOW!! That was A L O T! One day at a time and breathe!!

Emily said...

Happy for you. Just wished we were still in AZ so we could see you. I think you're going to love it! Plus it's only 6 hours to Disneyland!!!!!

Jerolyn said...

....love you!