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Wednesday, September 29

blah, blah, blah....

I'm just going to ramble on about a couple things.
It's definitely fall time around here.
Crisp mornings, trees turning, colorful leaves all around..
wait a minute...that seemed too sing-songy for my liking but whatever.
Anyhoo.
Got this beautiful shot this morning heading out to walk Garrin to school.
A pretty, bright shiny scene, after some rain last night...


I walked around the backyard in flip flops, letting the cool dampness squeak between my toes,
letting fall, fall all around me....
(oh my god, shoot me now....sounds like poetry...)
Here are some photos I took of the leaves, giving them an ethereal,
almost unrealistic hue.

Unrealistic....because I want to just think it is a fantasy, that eventually we will have to rake up
all these leaves at some point in the future.........it's really beautiful, just the same.



Why?  Why don't I want to think about raking leaves?
Because check this out.
See how big all those trees are.....?  And they are still FULL of green leaves??????
yeah, you hear me...

Speaking of trees, and our yard.
We've been deer hunting lately...well, more like deer stalking.
Hannah SWORE she saw a deer in the back yard the other night
so we have been walking down back during the day...and at night...(spooky)
looking at deer tracks, deer poop, deer trails...
but NO deer so far.

Here is Connor trailing behind Bill hesitantly.....in broad daylight.
You should have seen him last night....


And lastly, totally off the subject.
Gina.
Well....she's fat.
But cute.
I'm thinking about laying under the kitchen table later...
lettin' it all hang out....

Tuesday, September 28

I'm a quitter.

I can't say that very often, thank God.
But that's what I am right now.
A quitter.
I quit Facebook.

And baby, it feels good.

So why...why did I quit?
Well, lots of reasons really.
But most importantly...it just wasn't fun anymore.
That's why I joined it to begin with ....the fun.
Obviously, since I didn't list my maiden name,
so every single person that I went to high school with,
that I don't have an actual relationship/friendship with
could "friend" me - means I wasn't using it to re-connect with
a time in my life that I don't care to re-connect with.
Anyone I still talk to that I went to high school with -
knows my married name and has an away-from-the-computer
relationship with me.  For me - making those connections
would not bring me happiness....so that is that.
My personal stance on joining this thing.

It was also not so fun to watch people think that because they hide
behind a computer screen, it is socially acceptable to berate,
insult, put-down, practically bully others.....and have no consequence.
It's amazing to see that people "confront" others by writing shit
instead of talking face to face.  What happened to saying what you had
to say to someone and giving them the option to actually defend themselves??
In person?

Facebook just became a way to have crap shoved in your face
24/7.  What does my sister say?  Ignorance is bliss.
No such thing on Facebook.  It's all right there.  All out for everyone to see.
Now...now that I'm a quitter....ignorance IS bliss.

It's also become an easy, no effort way to pass judgment.
So wrong in so many ways....seriously.

And to agree with my brother regarding a conversation he and I had
about Facebook.  Great place to write some obscure, vague status
update that nobody in the word gets......except you.  'Cause that was
the point right?
Is that fun?

Oh I definitely had gotten some good out of Facebook. I reconnected with an aunt
that I have.  Which also turned into a connection with 2 half brothers that I have, too.
But I look forward to taking those relationships beyond the computer,
and actually have face to face,
emotion to emotion,
real to real
relationships with.
Without all the crap.

I like talking to real friends on the phone.
Or through an email.
Or have dinner.....

I like these relationships on my terms.
For me, right now,
that just makes more sense.

Monday, September 27

The tag sale

We had our first official tag sale on Saturday.  I'd like to tell you about
how much work it was, how well we did, why we had one,
how great the weather was, how when it got to be about 2pm we
were practically giving stuff away, how some people come with just
loose change....so on and so forth, but when I think about the tag sale
all I can think about is this:

yeah.
a spider.
a big,
fricken,
almost hairy

spider.

that had the biggest,
strongest,
almost rope-like-quality
webbing
that came out its beeee-hind
as he shimmied down the side of the house.

I am shivering just looking at these pictures.
And the worst part is - I couldn't bring myself to killing it.
I almost felt like some bad karma would come my way....

or all of his
big,
fricken,
almost hairy
relatives
would come...and find me....

ewwww...

Friday, September 24

Anniversary

of my blog, that is.
I started 3 years ago today.
whooo...hooo!!

Maybe I'll get a Bill to take me out for sushi to celebrate.!


Thursday, September 23

Guess what...

...we read yesterday?


Dr. Seuss puts him in a crazy mood.....

Wednesday, September 22

betcha didn't know..

that today is the start of Autumn and...

well,
you probably knew THAT.

But did you know that my last name -
Herbst
means Autumn in German??

It does.

So Happy 1st day of Autumn to everyone.

What does this all mean to me?
Well.

Just means
flip flops with pants instead...

that's all.
(oh...and Bill's gonna be real busy with some THING called a leaf blower...)

Tuesday, September 21

Rough Day?

apparently...
my non-napper took a nap.

Monday, September 20

family

If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct.
~Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Saturday, September 18

Change

There is a lot changing around here starting with
me.

I had an appointment with a psychologist on Friday.
Yup. Got to sit on the couch. It was the best
$30 co-pay I've ever had to hand over. It was one hour
of talking about the last year of my life. And I left there
feeling lighter and looking forward to my next appointment.

I have to say it was very easy to tell this "stranger" a lot of
truths about my life that only those very close to me know about.
While I certainly don't disclose with any detail, some of the intimate
goings-on of my life, just for the simple fact that sometimes it just
isn't any ones business, I do know with certainty that I never
make my life something that it isn't. Sometimes things just suck
and I don't have an issue with saying that or blogging that or feeling
that.....as a matter of fact. Other times things are great, and it's
good admitting that also. Just letting it all hang out to a woman
who doesn't have any stake in what I say, do or feel - priceless!!
AND she didn't make me try on any straight jackets before I left
so I think I'm good! Ha!

Wanted to share some quotes on Changes. Came across some really
good ones.

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are
for what you could become." unknown

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by
drawbacks and discomforts." Arnold Bennett

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction"
Winston Churchill

"The doors we open and close everyday decide the lives we live."
Flora Whittemore

"Change starts when someone sees the next step." William Drayton

and this is and has been one of my favorites:
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start
today and make a new ending." Maria Robinson

There have been a lot of things that have changed in my life. My whole
life. They have made me who I am today. I know now that taking the good
ones with the bad ones is a part of life. In the midst of the bad, we make
decisions hoping for the good. In the midst of the good, some of those
decisions end up being bad ones. But if you can look at your life and be
grateful for having the opportunity to accept that change will come,
then you're doing pretty good.

I think on my next appointment on the comfy couch, I'm going to talk
about how to balance the good that comes from change versus the bad
that comes from it. That is my inner struggle right now. Balancing the
emotion.

Thursday, September 16

I heart Barnes & Noble

Bill and I took a quick little side trip to our local B&N last night,
under the premise we were getting chinese take-out...which we
were, but much to Hannah's dismay we were taking too long
getting dinner back home, which shortened our book scavenger
hunt...much to MY dismay.

Nonetheless, we came home with an armful of bargains
that are now sitting neatly on the bookcase.....
(I am a collector not a hoarder.....collector not hoarder...
say it with me.....)

On arrival home with all the "grown-up" books,
Garrin announced that he was ready to start learning how to read.
Sure.....now that we are back home.

Couple things about that.
It scares me to think that I have another "Connor" on my hands.
Everything, and I mean everything, has to be on Connor's clock.
Not a second before. I see a little of that coming out in Garrin.
And next....he is so not ready to do this, but I will be a good mom
and provide the tools necessary to get the ball rollin' here.

So I hiked it upstairs to the kids bookcase,
which by the way is sorted - one bookcase houses paperbacks,
the other bookcase - hardcovers.
I have one shelf dedicated to holiday books sorted by holiday
and in the order they come in the year.
All series books are all in numerical order, sorted of course by series.
Everything is then sorted, as best could be, by size.
Back to Garrin....the only thing I had that was remotely
easy for him was Hop on Pop.

There is a reason that I am NOT a teacher.
There is a reason I do not homeschool my kids.
And I'll just leave it at that....

So I headed out today, without Bill......mwahhh ha ha ha ha....
to an awesome 2 story Barnes and Noble.
I remember I'd gotten Hannah Bob Books when she was little.
They are cute little book sets for beginning reading.
Garrin was pleasantly surprised when he got home from school today!



Ohhhhh boy. This is gonna take awhile........



(the photoshop action I used on these photos is called Dirt Bag. It's pretty cool.
I've tried working with a texture layer before with absolutely NO success. So
this was a quick and easy (cheating) way! I need to keep working at it!)

Wednesday, September 15

50 percent

or 50 pa-cent, like Garrin says.

Anyway. That's what my physical therapist
told me today at my 4 week re-evaluation.
50 percent better.

I don't like 50 percent. Unless it is pertaining to shopping
and is followed by the word "off......."
Or perhaps pertaining to caloric intake and followed by the
word "less....."
Or even the size of my butt, followed by the words "smaller
than it used to be....."

Back to the therapist...physical, that is.

So this news pretty much sucks for me but
I kinda knew it was coming. While the pain I am still
feeling as a result of my accident isn't prohibiting me from
doing some of what I need to get done on a daily basis, it is
there and it is constant, albeit the few hours that Aleve does
its magic and helps me feel normal for a while.
This all really just boils down to being a pain in the ass, or back
as it really is, that I am still having pain. Pain that is not
debilitating, but pain that shouldn't be there.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.
Asking Bill or the kids to carry all the laundry down into
the basement, or lug it all back up, or move boxes
around, or carry plastic bins here or there, or carry in
Costco-sized portions of whatever, is not necessarily a
bad thing......but I can probably count on one hand how
many times I just didn't do IT myself. And besides,
asking my kids to do anything other than, waste food,
keep all the lights on, run their TV's all night, take off and
drop all their dirty clothes right where they are standing, leave
homework and papers and pencils and erasers strewn all over
the desks they were working on, .............oh wait, I don't have
to ask them to do all that....they just do it. So asking for their
help is just about as pleasant as watching them roll their eyes,
groan and moan, and then forget two seconds later what I
actually told them to do...........

So tomorrow I follow up with my doctor, the magician. Maybe
I can ask him if he can make this all magically go away..... I am on
for four more weeks of physical therapy, where I can once again count
on being stretched and pulled and twisted and massaged and pushed
and contorted into crazy poses, practically sat upon while listening
to my spine crack and creak into the position it's supposed to be in.
Then I'll lay in traction or nearly fall asleep while having a heat treatment,
all the while wondering

how the hell did
I
get
here.....

Sunday, September 12

Realizations

Well for one, I've realized I haven't taken a photo in forever.
Just got my new generic batteries and a new generic charger,
so hopefully this week I can find some inspiration to take some pictures.
We'll see.

I've realized that I have been really backing off Facebook.
It's kind of weird for me. But good for sure.
I have been doing a LOT of reading lately. I just finished...
drum roll.....you know....'cause everyone else read this book
like 8 years ago when Oprah pronounced this her book club
of the month selection - way back when she did that.....oh,
and way back when when I actually watched her show to see
her do that............She's Come Undone. Wally Lamb.
Yup. Just read it. It was fantastic. I am now reading and
just about finished with The Dogs of Babel. Another fairly oldie
but goodie. So how this all ties into what's been running through
my mind lately - the whole hoarding thing....I've got a lot of books.
I love walking into Barnes and Noble and scouring the bargain books,
for just that. Bargain books. I could spend hours in there. So I get
all these books and put them into my bookcases. I love that. I love
arranging them. I love how they look. I love that it looks like I read
a lot. When in fact I don't really. Anyhoo. Just finished a book,
where a character in the story - felt exactly this same way. It was
kind of comforting knowing I am not necessarily hoarding books,
but collecting them. I think there is a big difference there. Which
that thought brings me to my latest obsession with reading.

I have also realized this past weekend that I have really great friends.
Really smart, considerate, supportive friends. And I am so lucky.
One friend in particular, I got a chance to spend some time with on
Friday night. She is in fact my oldest friend.....in the sense, I have known
her the longest. We have been intertwined within each others lives for at
least the last 35 years. That's a long time. She knows me inside and out.
I know I can tell her anything and regardless of what it is, she still loves
me. And she still supports me. And for that I am grateful. I can only
hope that I, too, am a good friend to others.

I realized also that since I have moved back here to the east coast, I have
gained 16 pounds. That totals up to 2 pounds for every month here. What.
The. Hell................?
"What the hell" is that I am not taking care of myself. But that is changing, as I've
written in the last few posts. And while I am sick of being on this particular
wagon again......well. So be it. It is what it is. Tell me who isn't at some point in
time, trying to get (back) to a better place? So here we go.....

I've also realized that when I left Nevada and moved here I came with so
much stuff...........do we remember the size of the tractor trailer???? Well,
I need a dumpster. I need a dumpster to get rid of a lot of shit that I brought
here, just for the sake of holding on to a part of my life from there. Make sense?
I brought a lot of things that symbolized the kind of life I lived there, here. Now
as I look at all these things, and I realized how much my life has changed, how much
I, too, have changed. As much as I loved my life there, these "things" do not make
me love my life here. I am not that same person really. What I have also realized
though, is that I am also not the same person I was when I lived here originally.
I've evolved. I've grown up. I've become Me. I've begun to start "getting" this
all. It's a lot, man. But I am getting it.

I am finally realizing....

Friday, September 10

Just what I had expected

The temps have been in the low seventies the past few days.
Fall is definitely trying to sneak in.
While everything is still primarily green around here,
there are signs that it is just waiting to blow on in.
It might be just me, but I feel like all the leaves that have
turned and are falling, are on OUR lawn...and no one elses.
Just seems that way........hmmmm.
And of course with the onset of cooler weather, comes Garrin's
undeniable disdain for having to wear pants.
I don't mean just having to cover his bottom half.
pants vs shorts

Hates 'em. With a passion. For at least the first couple
of weeks of having to wear them. But it happens like clockwork.
Started when I actually went to the store to buy them.
Told me he didn't want them. And was truly pissed off
when I went ahead and bought them anyway.
Then after putting them on this morning...with a fight,
he whined.....up until he left for school.
How cute are those little skinny jeans? I mean, really?

When he got home I asked him why his pants were rolled up,
and if his teacher did that?
He said he did it.
I think he's trying to make a point........

Wednesday, September 8

Random

More like rambling....
Went for physical therapy this morning.
I've been going two times a week since the accident.
I am sick of it.
Sick of how long this is all taking.
Sick of feeling the pain in my back all the time.
Sick of making this all about me.
I struggle with that. I struggle that someone
spends one hour focusing on me. I like it the other
way around - focusing on others. I can do that and
do it pretty well. So my lack of patience with this
whole therapy thing is getting to me. But there is
nothing else that I can do, other than get over myself.
I've been saying that a lot lately.
I think a "nicer" way of saying it would be:
concentrating on things that are more important.
being thankful for what I have.
being appreciative.
OK - that's better. Saying things nicely is not my strong point...
I lost my camera battery and charger.
I think I may have left them in Florida.
Hence the lack of photography on here lately.
The battery I do have is not charging properly
in the charger that I have had for like ten years.
So my dilemma was - by a Canon battery which runs
from $45 to $70 or buy a knock-off which I know won't
last very long.....I went the cheapo route....We'll see
how that all plays out.
I have a new vehicle now. Not new, but used. Bill and I
had gone down to a car dealer over the weekend to drive
a Ford Explorer that was in my price range. I drove it.
I liked it but I needed my brother to come down and check
it out. While I was waiting for him, I drove a Volvo Cross
Country and I just loved it. While my first thought was to get
back into a NICE BIG truck, I am really OK with my decision
to buy the Volvo. It feels good to drive. And I can still fit all
the kids crap in it. Plenty of room. Bill got 'er all registered for me
yesterday so I am Ridin' Solo again. (I love that song, by the way).
Anyhoo. Funny thing is - though I have been driving Bill's car a bit
since the accident, and have been amazed at the fact that I haven't
felt paranoid about getting into another accident, driving my car...
I am sensing myself getting a little tense. More apprehensive. And
I find myself driving like a Grandma!!! WTF???? Talked with Bill
a little bit about it. I hope I don't feel like this for very long....the car
is pretty fast.......I'd like to drive it fast.......well maybe, fast-ER.
Watched a Hoarders marathon this weekend too. We have a hoarder in the
family. Well one, that we will admit to. Lotta OCD too. So I spent all day yesterday
cleaning things, going through some stuff, making sure I didn't have any preliminary
signs of hoarding. I realized that I am a border-line makeup hoarder. I have
just as much MAC makeup - as the counter itself at the department store.....And
Bill - well he is a hotel-bath-products hoarder. Bags full of little bitty soaps, and
shampoos and conditioners and mouthwashes...... Hannah is a closet hair accessory
hoarder. Seriously, if you go to Target and can't find what you're looking for,
chances are it is here. Oh and in any and all colors......... I need to put the
kibosh on this quick.
I am feeling really good these days. Feeling like I should be. How I am used to.
In control. I've made dental appointments for all five of us....this of which I have
procrastinated doing since we've moved here. I don't know why. It is so not like
me. Got everyone well-check appointments as well. Put off doing that too. And
most importantly - the therapist....shrink....psychologist....whatever you call them
these days - going next week. Looking forward to it. Looking forward to unloading
on a completely neutral person - who has absolutely no stake in anything I have
to say. I like that.
So here's to a great HUMP day.
Glad to get a few things down in writing.
Today's personal therapy session - CHECK!!

Tuesday, September 7

It just doesn't make sense..

and I've just got to accept that.

Garrin was off today for his first day of pre-school,
this new school year. Looking as hip and as handsome
AND as happy as ever.

Why is it that your kids begin to show signs of being who you want them to be,
who you are teaching them to be, and you are so proud as a parent,
yet that parent can be so sad at the same time?
I want all three of my kids to be confident,
independent, happy, outgoing and comfortable
in who they are.......

Going off on your first day, without thinking twice about
maybe, just maybe wanting to stay home with Mommy?!?!....


okay...I'm over it.

Saturday, September 4

Two words for today...

Nordstrom
Rack

Thursday, September 2

Just like Mama used to make

no....

I'm serious.

I called my grandmother Mama.
And she used to make this for me......all the time.
The kids asked for this, for their after-school snack of all things.

And all it is is....tiny tiny pasta - this is little egg pastina,
cooked and strained and then re-heated in warmed milk.
Salt and Pepper.
Perfect peasant food as my grandfather called it.
Yup. It was about 90 degrees yesterday...extremely humid,
and my kids wanted soup.

Which brings me to the night prior when I concocted an
amazing (if I do say so myself) sweet and sour soup.
Soup just makes me happy.
Even if the outside temperature is higher than
the temperature of the soup......

And speaking of happy........
I called a therapist.
Gonna go see one.
And nowadays - who couldn't use a little therapy.

Back to Structure

I am totally loving those words,
even though I am totally NOT loving the kids going back to school.

I know, I say that now. I'm not stupid. I say it every year......

So no more things like this for awhile.

Yesterday only Hannah and Connor went back.
Pre-school for Garrin starts back on Tuesday.
He is over-the-moon excited and I can see the wheels spinning,
as he is rationalizing why he can't go when Hannah and Connor go.
He hasn't quite figured it out yet...I have to say I love his serious-side.

I dropped Hannah off at her new middle school (she changed schools)
and she was as happy as could be. If it's a front, she sure has me fooled,
but she looked pretty excited and not the least bit nervous. By the time
I picked her up yesterday afternoon, she'd already added 3 or 4 new
Facebook friends, and was texting people she didn't know not 24 hours
earlier.......I have to say...I love her outgoing personality.

Hannah had to be in a little early, which made it possible for me to
walk with Bill, Garrin, and Connor over to school for his first day.
Garrin's barrage of questions on why he wasn't going, hid Connor's nervous-ness
for his day back in a still, somewhat unfamiliar school, keeping the three
of us coming up with a gazillion excuses. Once we found the line Connor
needed to be in, we took a step back to watch him ease his way back in with
some kids he knew from last year. I have to say.....my heart always aches for Connor
on the first day. Always has and I assume, always will. In the end though,
it's usually without warrant - he seemed to have settled in quickly. He
said he had a great day.

The best part of the whole morning was this:
This bell is on top of Connor and Garrin's school. And on the first day,
(as well as the last) it rang and rang

and rang

and rang some more

for about 15 minutes.
It was pretty stinking cool.

Hope today is just as good for them.
I make that same wish every day.

Wednesday, September 1

on the road

and DON'T say "again".
Don't say it.
Not even in your head.....

on the road again....

oh dammit.....I didn't want to conjure up pictures of Willie Nelson in my head!!

Regardless of that little sidetrack....

I had myself a good cry yesterday.
A couple times actually.
And though at the time, it was because of something sad,
I really feel good.

Better.

Relieved.

At ease.

And I could really use a feeling like that.

I have been considerably more emotional these last 8 months or so.
Sometimes for good reasons and other times

just because

I'm not sure why.

just because, I guess


But I can feel it. I am on the road to a better place.

And I appreciate any and all that have helped/will help me get there.

Life is good.
And oh WOW. Three days, three posts....