Monday, May 10

What am I, crazy?

"The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it;
we can always feel it."
Mignon McLaughlin
The Neurotics Notebook, 1960

I am giggling at the thought of where I got this quote from....Neurotics Notebook.
Was thinking about this post and feeling somewhat neurotic,
and then I found this quote which sums up what I am feeling.

Lemme 'splain.

Here is a pic of me and the kids from yesterday. I like to have one
taken on Mothers Day. Selfish-ly...just me and the three I gave birth to,
and have the saggy boobs and stretch marks to prove it....
I also posted the last couple years shots from Mother's Day.
This is 2009.
and no-shit-sherlock 2008.

And here is where I will continue to rant on selfishly for a couple of minutes.
First and foremost it is important that I say -
I love where I am in life - physically.
I could not have asked to be in a better place, close to family.
It is the one thing constant I didn't have for 9 years.

I DO NOT love where I am in life - mentally.
I miss where I was in my life - wholly - in the previous years pictures.
(No - not the tan - though it is fabulous......)

I guess it is what I felt in my heart then.
It's hard to explain without seeming like I don't appreciate all
that moving back to the east coast has brought me. I loved everything
that I was, involved in, wanted, did, had, looked forward to, fought for....
I miss that.

How f**ked up is that?

And THAT is what I am working on folks. Getting over these
feelings about my past. Trying to file it away in the proper spot.
It keeps ending up in the Resentment Folder and I keep taking it
out and finding the Memories Folder to put it in.


I look at the kids in the pictures and aside from the fact that Garrin is an
absolute pill when it comes to taking pictures lately,
they "look" great. Because as their mom I can look in their eyes and
know that they are good. I can feel my heart and in my soul.

I don't know, it must have been Dr. Phil or something that said -
"You have to take care of yourself first. Then it has to be about
taking care of you and your spouse. And then it is about taking care
of the kids." I believe this. It's like a pyramid.

If you can't get things right with yourself - how can you be strong for your kids?
And if you can't get things right with your spouse - how can you set a good
example for your kids?
It all trickles down to them.
But it all starts with you.

or me - in this instance.....

So as they obviously grow bigger, as in these pictures,
I want them to grow stronger,
and learn to be the best that they can be
from me, while I try to be the best that I can be.

It doesn't take Mother's Day to realize that this is what I must do,
but it does take seeing this picture to know what it all boils down to.


Unknown said...

Maybe it's the tan, but you are noticeably happier in the first 2, Gini.
The last picture is more strained.
BUT - that could be the gale force winds we've been having, too. :)
You are well aware of life's struggles. You will prevail. You will RE-find yourself. No worries.
Much love from CT. :)

Roy Wells said...

Great pictures, the kids look awesome too...

Kim said...

Well, you know how I feel on this one. All in due time. You didn't feel that way 6 months into being "out there", and I don't think you can expect to feel that way after 6 months back here.

Personally, I think you're taking a much needed breather. And while times may be tough, you will prevail, as Liz said. And you'll come out stronger on the other side, because you're willing to do the work. (Credit to Denise for those words. She said them to me once, and she couldn't have been more right.)

I'm thankful to have you so physically close now, and I look forward to having you just as close mentally when you're ready. xo