Wednesday, January 13

"Somebody call 9.1.1."

Great Sean Kingston.
So great as a matter of fact, I had it on my Blackberry
as my ringback tone for the longest time.
People would tell me that I answered too quickly and they
weren't able to really get into the song....too funny.

The title of this post refers to something entirely unrelated to my phone.

I've gone missing.

I need to figure out where I've gone and how to get back.

If I've sat down once, I've sat down a hundred times...
I've literally attempted to write "this" blog post about 10 times so far.
Each time it has come out differently.
Each time it wasn't quite what I was trying to say.
Sometimes the words just weren't there.

So here goes - another try.

Did I ever mention I love rollercoasters?? Love 'em.
Rockin' Rollercoaster, California Screamin', Expedition Everest, Space Mountain..
whatever, which 'em.
Well, I am on a rollercoaster right now,
that I am not liking.
It's so often called - The Emotional Rollercoaster
While none of what follows may make much sense or be in any
particular order, it is what it is.

For the most part, I really thought my life was the shit.
I had the best family, lived in a fabulous house,
I was involved in many things that kept me busy and happy.
I had many, many friends.
I felt confident. And proud.
Fulfilled and satisfied.
September 2009, my life changed.
Wholly and completely.

I was dealt a life changing hand,
and I trudged through every single day,
just to survive. Part of that trudging, including going
into hibernation for a couple of weeks. In layman's terms,
all that really meant was, just taking a step back for a bit.
That whole month for me was like a slap in the face,
a little wake up call.
And so began what I now call - "going missing".

I wasn't feeling so much like my life was all that.
All of my family was being tested,
I didn't feel happy, confident or secure.
I wasn't "me" anymore.
It sucked.

But extended family stepped forward.

Ouch - another slap in the face.
We needed our family and BAM they were there.
In an instant.
One can never forget that. That moment of need,
no questions asked, on your doorstep, before you can even say "HELP".
How did we take that for

So slowly but surely, the pain was subsiding and the thought of
restructuring a life that once was, was becoming number one on the
to-do list. Part of that, was coming to the realization that we had
to move back to the east coast to be near FAMILY. We just had to.

Do you see the up and down in all of this?
The highs...the lows??
The scariness...the happiness??
The excitement...the nervousness??

Being that this is my blog - and these are my feelings,
does not discount the fact that I am sure everyone
around me was feeling this too.
My husband, my kids, my friends and family...

So the next two months were all about preparation.
I found some normalcy in getting everyone ready for the move.
I knew I had commitments I needed to fulfill.
Taking charge of the move and handling things I'd promised
made me feel like "me". I needed that.
Emotions were truly in high gear at this point.

Besides the fact that the actual move - was the move from hell...
we got here in one piece and our stuff eventually followed.
My days have been spent -
finding a new swim team for the kids,
learning about the kids new schools,
finding all the necessities - grocery stores, doctors,
orthodontists, hair stylists, banks,
spending time with my brother, sister, their families,
my mother-in-law and sister-in-law,
and basically putting all of our its new proper place...

All of the above,
has left me plenty of time on my hands.
Time I am not accustomed to having.
Time I use for thinking. While some of that thinking is about
all of the good that has come from this move in a short month,
it is also a breeding ground for thoughts that may not be so good.
Things I'd not really given much thought to before....or really had to for that matter.
Thoughts that make me feel like my life is just not normal anymore.

And dammit, I want normal.
I want pre-September 2009.Loved.My.Life.In.Nevada normal.

Where is it, and where am I???
I am grateful and thankful for everyone
that has helped me and continues to, to get me back.
I am lucky to be able to blog and document my days,
proof for me that life can be good.

I love being here. I love being close to family.
I love thinking of the equilibrium that will come to me eventually.
I love knowing that everything happens for a reason,
and that reason is usually to make you a better, stronger person.

That's it.
That's what I'll be when I find me.
I can't wait!!!!!!


LaAna said...

I remember after moving here for a few months and life was settling in, and the "normal" was setting in, I too felt lost. Since we moved away from all our families I didn't have that physical presence of loved ones. It was hard, to say the least, but what a personal strengthening test of character and self. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a small way I know what you might be going through and you'll find you. It may not be the exact same you, but a stronger more experienced, survivor YOU.... and that HAS to be a good thing! :)

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jerolyn said...

(sorry that was me, signed in as Maggie~oops)
I have NEVER been good at coming up with the right words to say when comfort is needed, it's not in my genetic build up like it is some...
but I know you know what's in my heart...
and I love ya, and you're not lost. You're HOME.

SwimMomTrishA said...

because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't care. . . because I am not there physically, doesn't mean I am not there spiritually . . . and because life is a journey, it will never end . . . .

Life is good !!!!

And so was that ring tone. . . I miss being able to sing to you !!!

Unknown said...

Just writing this symbolizes a light at the end of your tunnel. (The light being you, the tunnel being your shitstorm.)
I won't pretend to know what's going on - but I hope that I was one of the constant (nagging) voices reminding you of your awesomeness.
For having met in person one actual time, I consider you my friend - and my love and adoration of your sister is a huge part of that.
You are awesome. You are a hero to many.
I look forward to the day you are a hero in the mirror again.
And THEN - I'm coming over for coffee.

Denise said...

2009 was my year of the rollercoaster and, guess what, I just got off that ride. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are loved A LOT and you will get to the other side of hell. Each step you take makes the journey more bearable. Promise. XO