OK - two things right off the bat.
a. You know I love this guy. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times.
Love him. That doesn't mean that bad shit doesn't happen with this kid.
2. It's a good thing he is sleeping after the day we had. (Photo taken when we got home.)
So I decided to hit the local mall yesterday, kid in tow. Now Garrin really doesn't
use a stroller much anymore, but the Are-You-Out-Of-Your-Effing-Mind gods whispered in my ear as we were leaving, that I should, just per chance, throw it in the back of the truck. So I did.
Got to the mall and decided I was going to use it. It is somewhat trashed after numerous airline flights with the ever-so-delicate gate checking they do with your stuff. But the seat belt works, pretty much, and that is what is important.
So we start out on the first level and I decide to scream through Dillards before doing what all good mothers do, and hit the cookie shop. I quickly peruse the handbags, shoes and kids stuff and decided that I have said "Can you stop touching everything as we go by" enough at that store that it was time for a little distraction slash bargaining tool.
On our way to the cookie store, I show Garrin the "Easter Bunny" and ask him if he would like to have his picture taken with him and he unequivocally responds "NO". So we get to the cookie counter and I buy
75 five cookies. 5 for $5.95. The guy behind the counter tries to up-sell me, if you buy a couple more you get a couple free. And I am thinking, "Look Mister - look at this body. I know you can tell that I treat it as the temple that it is and I don't consume junk - how many cookies do you think I need to keep this little boy quiet while I shop??
Then Garrin spies the Talking Easter Bears and we have to sit through 5 god-awful
songs before I head to the next store.
The conditions begin - If you don't behave you don't get the cookies.
You must stay seated like a good boy, eat your cookies and let mommy shop.
Which works, for like a minute.
And that is when the "touching of everything" continued from before,
only this time - my son has melted chocolate all over his hands.
OK -so it's time to hit the second floor.
And that my friends is where the candy store is.
(No, he didn't consume all 5 cookies........and neither did I...)
The bargaining starts all over, and I figure, with the small amount of
candy I've purchased, I've got about 45 minutes tops!
Did you ever try to push a stroller when your kid is slouched forward enough that he is dragging his feet underneath and you are running over their feet...backwards? Not fun. And that is just about when the seat belt in now loosened enough that said kid can climb out and hide under clothing racks when you are not looking. More fun. So the 45 minutes I allotted myself for upstairs really was more like 10 and we got the heck out of the mall.
I've got a good hour to spare before I have to pick up Hannah at school and just figure I might as well hit Nordstrom Rack beforehand. They have carriages there which can easily "contain" my monster. Here he is primarily a good boy. Aside from filling the carriage with about 10 women's left shoes........ok, one sec, I gotta go off on a tangent here, one sec....
I called my girlfriend and asked her this question -
"Am I just getting old or are all the shoes at The Rack really, really high heeled and really, really slutty? What the hell? Now I like me a nice chunky heel to add a little height, but for real? I'm talking pole dancing, street walking, **** me pumps!!!!"
back on point
aside from all the shoes he added to the cart, the worse thing he could dole out was singing, and talking as loud as he could. And when you have a kid that goes to public school for speech delay issues, you really can't tell him to be quiet. So he sang like a fool at the top of his lungs. I didn't care. We got out of there quick. I managed to get my hands on a nice pair of designer jeans to keep my man looking hip, for a steal
because he too sees his body as a temple . As we are loaded up in the car, I see that I need to call Hannah to let her know that I am running a tad late........
no cell phone.
Like a jackass, I put it down amongst the many piles of jeans I was going through for Bill.
We unload, run back into the store looking like an even bigger jackass, because I am actually running, holding onto Garrin (me and running - not a pretty sight). Looking looking looking
through the piles - no phone. The guy running the department asked if he could call it for me and we finally find it.
At the end of all this drama, I had to smile. The guy said to me -
"Hey is that Seal on your ringback tone?"
Yes indeed it is Seal.
"We're never gonna survive unless we get a little CRAZY"
Crazy and loving it.