(I've actually been meaning to write about this,
so thank you Allison for the inspiration!)
I think I may have to explain,
or maybe apologize,
or set the record straight,
or just ramble on for days on end,
or whichever one suits your fancy.
I, on more than one occasion on this blog,
-ok, like 100 occasions-
have made reference to the size of my butt.
I am 5ft 1 in flip flops
and currently weight 139.6 lbs.
(Trish, I know I am cracking you up right about now!)
I have been doing Weight Watchers online
since January 6th or thereabouts
because I am not comfortable in the least bit with my weight
right now. I am currently down 6.4 lbs.
(stop laughing, Trish)
So when I say "right now" I am not comfortable with my weight,
I am honest in saying that there have been many other times,
as well, that I have also not been OK with my weight.
There has been equal time when I have been OK with it.
But that is just how it was, is and probably will be.
I believe that ones weight issues are something
that only that person can "feel".
What may seem unrealistic or non-existent to one,
may be another's reality.
I feel that someone who wants to lose 10 pounds
can experience the same feelings as someone
who wants to lose 100 pounds.
I have been told by some that I don't "look like" I need to lose weight.
Or that I look great just the way I am.
And I appreciate any and all compliments that come my way.
I mean, who doesn't?, for crying out loud.
Bill has always been my biggest confidence booster.
(He's my husband for godsakes, and he knows what he has to
say to get a little wink, wink..he's no dummy)
But that does not change my own personal dialog with myself
and how I feel about my weight.
I do know this though.
Feeling how I feel does not interfere in any
way with my daily existence.
It doesn't stop me from squeezing my fat ass out the front
door every morning to do whatever the hell it is I do all day.
It doesn't stop me from hanging with my friends,
helping out with school.
Being involved with the swim team
or standing up to the School Board.
It also doesn't make me love my family,
my kids, my husband or
my friends any less,
and as a matter of fact,
I don't love MYSELF any less either.
What it does do is,
make me hold myself accountable.
Accountable for what I need to do
to change my weight.
Not change how I feel about my weight,
but actually doing something to lose it.
Accountable when my BMI on my scales reads
"YOU ARE OBESE, GINI".
My first problem is I don't suffer from body dysmorphic disorder.
There are many people who do, some I know of.
I could not be 110 pounds, look in the mirror
and think I was still fat.
I'D BE A FRIGGIN SUPERMODEL
if I were 110 pounds.
Well, maybe not a supermodel at 5ft 1,
but you get my drift.
I'd be lovin' it, man.
Or even the reverse of that -
350 lbs and thinking I was gorgeous.
(Wouldn't that be a great way to think! Maybe I ought
to consider "getting" this disorder)
Secondly - I haven't been to the gym in 8 weeks.
No ones fault but my own.
My own laziness.
I am NOT into getting my lazy butt
up at 5 o'clock in the morning right now.
Thirdly - I didn't gain weight for any other reason
than - the amount of food I stuffed in my pie hole.
Plain and simple.
Calories in/calories in/and more calories in...
Yah - I'm 43 and have had a hysterectomy,
and I could try to blame it on something like that,
but I won't and I don't.
Lastly - Yes, I worked diligently at the gym,
5 days a week for most of last year.
But I could have done better,
definitely. I could have stopped
eating like a cow after I worked out.
(I was hungry, dammit!)
I am lucky enough to be able to wear
nice clothes, do my hair,
just look presentable.
But I don't like that my jeans are tight,
or that I have a bit of a muffin top.
Or my shirts are tighter across my boobs
than I'd like them to be.
I don't like taking out my summer/winter clothes
only to find them fitting tighter.
That just pisses me off.
While I may not be the chubbiest little piggie
in the sty, I am still carrying around too many sticks of
butter on my thighs. (All you WW junkies out
that can remember that reference, I'm sure).
But I am so totally OK with not being OK with this.
I am dealing with this (some times better than
other times) and like to bitch about it,
or joke about it sometimes on this blog.
It's me, guys.
I think I blatantly brag about my kids enough
and dog on my husband enough
or write down extraneous crap that nobody really
cares about enough,
to throw in a little
"junk in the trunk" reference
here and there.
At least my head isn't as big as my ass, huh?