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Thursday, January 15

A birthday

Today would have been my mother's
64th birthday.
I copied this photo of her off my brothers Facebook
since he and my sister have all the photos
and I don't have any.

I have out lived my mother by a year.
She died at 42.
I am 43.
She will have passed 22 years ago this year.
How effed up is that?

In this photo, she was sitting at the hospital ready
to give birth to my brother, with
some alcoholic sperm donor
my father,
my sister and
my grandmother.

Cigarette in hand,
open TAB on the table.
Looking at that today.
Stupid.
But she was beautiful, just the same.

In a perfect world, I would think of her everyday,
but I don't.

As the years pass, and my life becomes more defined
as a mother,
I cannot relate.

When I need advice, or love, or maternal support,
I look inward.

Because even though I don't remember things about her,
I always knew I wanted to be like her.

I want Hannah
to want to be like me.

9 comments:

iVegasFamily said...

I'm sure Hannah will definitely want to be like you. I know this because you are a generous person. I didn't have your e-mail address to send you a thank you email, but I wanted to say. We are, as a family, very grateful for your support. THANK YOU!

Jerolyn said...

I see a mixture of James and Hannah in your little face. This was a sweet tribute birthday post to your mom...I enjoyed reading it!

LaAna said...

I didn't know that your mom passed so young. It's hard to lose a parent but a mother at such a young age would be hard. I'm sure she would be proud of the mother you are today, as you'll certainly be of Hannah.

carissa... brown eyed fox said...

this post is very special... well... in many ways! i am so glad you shared... i'm glad i got to share in it.

THAT picture tells such a story!
and boy yes... how times have changed.

your daughter is SO lucky to have you! wow... the women she will become!

Kim said...

Happy Birthday, Mommy. (And yes, people, I'm 39 and I still refer to her as Mommy.) Miss you so, so much.

Gin, you're as wonderful a mother as she was, and you are having the same influence on your kids that she had on the three of us. You couldn't do her more proud.

Redhead in Vegas said...

Thank you for sharing such a special post with us. You amaze me with amount of time and dedication that you lavish on your family. I imagine that your mother is as proud as anyone could be of you, just as you are of Hannah. It's a pleasure to see such love passed on in your family.

Denise said...

Perfect.

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

This post was very touching. Happy Birthday, Mrs. J.