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Friday, July 18

Colonoscopy


Now that I have had a couple of days to sit on this (get it? "sit on this/colonoscopy"??), I have decided to write about it. I know you are thinking;


OK - no posts for a couple of days.


Perhaps I should have considered waiting until SOMETHING ELSE exciting happened in my life, but bear with me and there will be a message in the end of all of this.


So finding the humor in

A. being 43 and

B. having a not so great family health history

can be difficult at times, but is an incredible motivating factor in staying fairly happy my remaining days on this earth. So here in lies the story of my colonoscopy.


I will admit, there are days when things just hurt. There are days when - 43 is NOT the new 23, after all. My shoulder hurts, my arm hurts, my stomach hurts, my left shin hurts, my head hurts......you get the picture. Dammit though, I am just down right busy to let most of the little aches and pains of being on the upswing of elderly get the best of my days. So occasionally a little Tylenol is my best friend.


When pelvic pain hits though I pretty much have learned to not ignore it because

1. It isn't going to just go away and

2. hello??.......I've had a hysterectomy for a reason.


Getting back to that very bad family history.............the doctor orders a colonoscopy. Thanks to Katie Couric and other members of the Today Show, you can all get a visual on what one entails. Typically it is a standard test that anyone 50 and over should have. So let's just say I've had mine 7 years early. After all is said and done - the prep is way worse than the actual procedure.


I will start off by telling you that EATING is highly over-rated. The morning prior to the procedure I started off by having a bottled water for breakfast. My mid-morning snack....oh...just some water. Sat down to lunch with my kids and had a tall, wet, cold, icy glass of .....water. By this time I am thinking....."how the hell do people fast for entire days and survive?" But 47 glasses of water later and 3 pm, the hunger pains were gone and I was now thinking "Day-umm....I could lose a couple of pounds doing this.......SWEET!" Dinner was...well, you know...water.


So part one of the prep are two pills and as I am typing the word laxative, the words too much information is coming into my head so I will leave it at that. 4pm I downed the pills. Then I had to mix
this jug,
yes, jug,
no really, a jug,
did I say jug?
yes a jug
full of water and some sh-tuff that apparently really cleans you out. You get to add a FLAVOR PACKET (yum) to the sh-tuff, so between shitty orange, shitty cherry and shitty lemon-lime, I opted for the orange. I was trying to relate it to the orange crap I had to drink during some test when I was pregnant and was thinking that the taste wasn't that bad. Hopefully the same would hold true for this.


You have to wait between 1 to 6 hours for the action to start and when it does you begin drinking 8 ounces of the sh-tuff every 10 minutes. Two things - I ended up waiting until the sixth hour to begin the drinking (which folks, puts me now at 10pm), and the sh-tuff turned into POISON. Let's just say I would have preferred giving birth 3 times by C-Section with no anesthesia, than drink this crap. So 1 1/2 hours later, and my most valiant effort at not vomiting, the liquid poison was gone and I was in for a long, sleepless night.


Fast forward to the next day.
Pretty short and sweet. Drive to the hospital two hours before the procedure. Put on one of those pretty dresses with my butt hanging out. Verify that I am in fact, Gini Herbst, 14 times. Get painfully hooked up to an IV by a not-so-proficient-at-IV's nurse. Lay on my stretcher and chat with Bill about this that and the other thing knowing full well that we both just want to sleep (for lack of, the night before). Meet my hero - the anesthesiologist and realize that there is a God and that I will be out for the whole thing. Get wheeled into the operating room. My hero says: "Now Miss Herbst - I like being called Miss - I am just going to start putting this white liquid into your IV and


.............Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


Sure, I could post the (awesome, actually) pictures of my colon, but I have to face some of you in the near future so I will spare you that. The message is - dang it, sometimes you have to do what you have to do to ensure staying healthy. I have an amazing husband and 3 amazing children that I must do everything in my power to stick around for as long as possible.


Colonoscopy. It is not such a pain in the butt. (get it?? pain in the butt/colonoscopy?)

OK - I'm done. I'm outta here.....oh, and I have a clean bill of health in the colon department.

7 comments:

Denise said...

Healthy colons rock!

Tutta la Storia said...

Wow--I can't even imagine--glad to know you are healthy! Next time I ever have to drink the orange stuff for a preggo glucose test I WON'T COMPLAIN!!!

Kim said...

What a shitty thing to have to endure! Hah!

I remember when those Fresh Samantha drinks first came out. Remember those? This woman working at the coffee kiosk at work told me as I brought one to the register - "This is so good for your colon." Yeeeeeah...thanks.

Glad to hear the results were good. Send me those pictures.

Jerolyn said...

There should be a Hallmark card that reads..

Congratulations on your clean poop shoot!!!

or

Happy clean colon to you
Happy clean colon to you
Happy clean colon dear Giniiiii,
Happy clean colon to you!

and many more...till 104...

Jerolyn said...

p.s. you're looking pretty fine in that there photo on the left
Dayummm!!!

Redhead in Vegas said...

happy you are running smooth. I have way too many jokes to make, but I will refrain. We are just cyber friends after all, I would not want to offend. What's a Fresh Samantha drink?
Is it a Northeast thing?

Kim said...

Fresh Samantha was a natural juice drink - I think only available in New England. Apparently they were bought out by Odwalla several years ago.